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Longing Thaws

by Woundlicker

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1.
Body Horror 03:30
I feel unsafe in my skin like there are wires within holding tension sending signals sending me into a spin my synapses misfire my lungs co-conspire shaking hands and damaged plans the fucking fear impends I can't stop fucking shaking my break is fucking braining I'm losing words it fucking hurts do not fucking touch me it doesn't end, it doesn't end, it doesn't end, it doesn't end, it doesn't end, it doesn't end, it doesn't end, this is body horror I feel unsafe in my skin like there's nothing within a hollow void eternal a drain without an end now drawn here to depend on shattered wretched sin I'm puking blood and shitting death and reaching for more gin fell asleep in broken glass I still have nightmares of the past a blackout epitaph of need of blood and scorn and bitter seed I'd rather die than live like this seven years in the abyss I've earned my every scar but now that door is barred this is body horror I feel unsafe in my skin like all the blood within could overflow into a vase and I would merely grin my haunting spectre, suicide I felt so trapped inside at thirteen I was inpatient and a second time inpatient eighteen I was inpatient nineteen, again, inpatient twenty-five inpatient so fucking impatient I was lucky not to die I was lucky not to die I was lucky not to die I was lucky not to die this is body horror
2.
Thunderbolt 02:21
our uncommon closeness of being except you're not who you seem you're such a delight, you're always a charm do you see who you harm? I can't believe anything you say fucking stay away liar, user, coward, thief, abuser jagged wretched shrapnel leaving wounds to cauterize heartbroken, gut-rending beyond all hope of mending dissemble, disassembled, shattered, fucking fragmentized thunderbolt, you really fucking hurt me I won't let you strike twice took something good and broke it 'cuz you could hope it was worth the price hey thunderbolt, what the fuck? was I such a terrible friend? hope you fix the emptiness that eats you but I can't trust you again do you see the gleaming handle jutting from my back as a prize? were you ever the person I was close to? were you just in disguise? I was always myself around you look me in the eye can you say the same? how many times was I there for you? oh thunderbolt: what the fuck is wrong with you? thunderbolt, you really fucking hurt me I won't let you strike twice took something good and broke it 'cuz you could hope it was worth the price hey thunderbolt, what the fuck? was I such a terrible friend? hope you fix the emptiness that eats you but I can't trust you again
3.
Skin Hunger 03:00
a betrayal of flesh a fundamental wound primordial error encoded chromosome unduplicated some days I could look in the mirror and shatter my fucking face but I take a breath and wait for the hormones to work at their own pace my body, my whole life shame, guilt, fear you do what you have to to stay alive and fucking persevere I hated myself and I wanted an exit didn't care what it cost didn't care who it hurt all the love in my life torn out and cast away and nothing I tried for a single second kept these feelings at bay but it was not for a lack of trying no one could touch me, my body was wrong unfairly lashed out at anyone who tried and you deserved better you who shared a vulnerable intimacy and you deserved better than bearing witness destructive self, in proximity somedays, seems like nothing satiates this skin hunger
4.
and I want to hold you so close that you clip into my body and I want to taste you deeply from the bottom of my throat and you infiltrate my dreamscape, I awake alone and restless you exhume me from my icy tomb and I begin to thaw and I've been alone for so long (my anxious heart is screaming doom) that I'm scared I don't deserve this (my anxious heart claims too much room) I am falling in love with someone new (my anxious heart whispers untrue) fear is fucking useless I bared my fangs unto the world (my anxious heart of quiet lies) and all you saw was softly smile (my anxious heart of self-despise) I bear my heart into your hands (my anxious heart can't fucking die) and see a future worth our plans (and makes it hurt to be alive) all roads lead to this haunted place (my anxious heart won't let me sleep) of lust and fear and angel's grace (my anxious heart sows bitter reap) and neon-lit I see your face (my anxious heart of ceaseless screams) smiling without bitter trace softly, unsilently entangle me in black and red, oh (it says) unworthy of love you'll never be enough you earned your failures of affection your failures of connection it whispers vicious lies to internalize and you cannot outrun it this inevitable demise it whispers lies, it whispers vicious lies it says unworthy of love undeserving of compassion you deserved all the abuse and what's the fucking use you're never good enough you're never smart enough you're never kind enough you're never pretty enough my anxious heart, it whispers wretched things but none of them are true none of them were ever true not a single solitary fucking word no ---- goddamn it I want you like I've never wanted like discovering hunger without knowing of food hold me closer in your arms, I won't get lost inside my head we'll share a peaceful dreamless sleep, just come with me to bed entangle me in black and red
5.
all your ghosts are rendered strangers simulacra of unique pain and joy all your ghosts outgrow you and they grow up disappointing you expected something better they don't know you like they think they do, but you don't know you like you think you do now are you still the person you always thought yourself to be? I thought I'd be a dead man by now, not a woman turning 30 there's always more surprises they don't know you like they think they do, but you don't know you like you think you do
6.
Feel Low 01:31
languish alone in your home all the world aslumber your silent catacomb the solitude that served you now somehow shaded cruel yearning for something burning for someone it's too much to take, sometimes it's too much to take it's too much to take, sometimes it's too much to take and I am always burning and I am always burning and I am always burning and I am always burning when we feel low like it's all we've ever known but I'd rather burn together than weather hell alone I want solidarity not codependency I won't drag you down with me, you are always free to leave we're all hurt and nothing works I want everyone to be okay if we feel low together maybe things get better if just for a moment a solitary moment
7.
Cold 04:02
8.
Interstitial 00:54
(instrumental)
9.
to push through the rage and pain and shame and arrive at a place of grace to look in the mirror after 28 years and for the first time see your face to suffer more because you've suffered before in every time and place to feel insufficient to be fucking persistent to know! - to know: that you were always enough, you were always more you were always enough always the drunkard died alone in Austin, Texas of isolation and secrecy I watched the overdose from behind my eyes doesn't feel like I was watching me I was never who I thought I was the unfeeling machine that I thought I should be I was never who I thought I was the unfeeling machine that I thought I should be analog blood spills (from) a digital heart my nameless discontinuity I want more than this endless cycle of trauma and recovery it feels like my whole life I've always wanted wrong my litany of failures runs deep, blood-red, and long I was a creature of darkness I was born in the cold self-destruction incarnate frozen to my soul but now the longing thaws me I relinquish control let my past self melt away, become something untold I want more than this endless cycle of trauma and recovery longing thaws I want to feel every little thing to let myself be human embrace being human to let myself be known to not feel so alone to embrace, open-hearted kindness and compassion to learn and to grow to love with wild abandon to maintain sober existence to keep my heart persistent and it might take my whole life but I will build a life where I feel safe in my skin I'm so tired of self-destruction self-harm self-degradation there has to be something more, and I am going to find it ----- there has been so much darkness in our lives will you dance with me, if only for tonight? it might not last forever we don't have to feel good but at least for a moment, we can feel understood

about

Analog blood spills from a digital heart.
This was very cathartic for me. I hope you get something out of it too <3

credits

released August 4, 2022

Melora Cayce - lost in the machines

Cold is originally by The Cure

helpful noise friends:
Dandy Outlaw - backing vox on Thunderbolt
Sapphfire - backing vox on Thunderbolt
Brandon L. Harnish - brass samples on Body Horror

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Woundlicker Reno, Nevada

a girl with a distortion pedal, following bad ideas to worse conclusions

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