to push through the rage and pain and shame
and arrive at a place of grace
to look in the mirror after 28 years
and for the first time see your face
to suffer more because you've suffered before
in every time and place
to feel insufficient
to be fucking persistent
to know! - to know:
that you were always enough,
you were always more
you were always enough
always

the drunkard died alone in Austin, Texas
of isolation and secrecy
I watched the overdose from behind my eyes
doesn't feel like I was watching me
I was never who I thought I was
the unfeeling machine that I thought I should be
I was never who I thought I was
the unfeeling machine that I thought I should be

analog blood spills (from) a digital heart
my nameless discontinuity

I
want more
than this
endless
cycle
of
trauma
and
recovery

it feels like my whole life
I've always wanted wrong
my litany of failures
runs deep, blood-red, and long
I was a creature of darkness
I was born in the cold
self-destruction incarnate
frozen to my soul
but now the longing thaws me
I relinquish control
let my past self melt away, become something untold
I want more than this endless cycle of trauma and recovery

longing
thaws

I want to feel
every little thing
to let myself be human
embrace being human
to let myself be known
to not feel so alone
to embrace, open-hearted
kindness and compassion
to learn and to grow
to love with wild abandon
to maintain sober existence
to keep my heart persistent
and it might take my whole life
but I will build a life
where I feel safe in my skin

I'm so tired of self-destruction
self-harm
self-degradation

there has to be something more,
and I am going to find it

-----

there has been so much darkness in our lives
will you dance with me, if only for tonight?
it might not last forever
we don't have to feel good
but at least for a moment, we can feel understood