1. |
Body Horror
03:30
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I feel unsafe in my skin
like there are wires within
holding tension
sending signals
sending me into a spin
my synapses misfire
my lungs co-conspire
shaking hands and damaged plans
the fucking fear impends
I can't stop fucking shaking
my break is fucking braining
I'm losing words
it fucking hurts
do not fucking touch me
it doesn't end, it doesn't end, it doesn't end, it doesn't end, it doesn't end, it doesn't end, it doesn't end,
this is body horror
I feel unsafe in my skin
like there's nothing within
a hollow void eternal
a drain without an end
now drawn here to depend
on shattered wretched sin
I'm puking blood and shitting death
and reaching for more gin
fell asleep in broken glass
I still have nightmares of the past
a blackout epitaph of need of blood and scorn and bitter seed
I'd rather die than live like this
seven years in the abyss
I've earned my every scar
but now that door is barred
this is body horror
I feel unsafe in my skin
like all the blood within
could overflow into a vase and I would merely grin
my haunting spectre, suicide
I felt so trapped inside
at thirteen I was inpatient
and a second time inpatient
eighteen I was inpatient
nineteen, again, inpatient
twenty-five inpatient
so fucking impatient
I was lucky not to die
I was lucky not to die
I was lucky not to die
I was lucky not to die
this is body horror
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2. |
Thunderbolt
02:21
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our uncommon closeness of being
except you're not who you seem
you're such a delight, you're always a charm
do you see who you harm?
I can't believe anything you say
fucking stay away
liar, user, coward, thief, abuser
jagged wretched shrapnel leaving wounds to cauterize
heartbroken, gut-rending
beyond all hope of mending
dissemble, disassembled, shattered, fucking fragmentized
thunderbolt, you really fucking hurt me
I won't let you strike twice
took something good and broke it 'cuz you could
hope it was worth the price
hey thunderbolt, what the fuck?
was I such a terrible friend?
hope you fix the emptiness that eats you
but I can't trust you again
do you see the gleaming handle jutting
from my back as a prize?
were you ever the person I was close to?
were you just in disguise?
I was always myself around you
look me in the eye
can you say the same?
how many times was I there for you?
oh thunderbolt:
what the fuck is wrong with you?
thunderbolt, you really fucking hurt me
I won't let you strike twice
took something good and broke it 'cuz you could
hope it was worth the price
hey thunderbolt, what the fuck?
was I such a terrible friend?
hope you fix the emptiness that eats you
but I can't trust you again
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3. |
Skin Hunger
03:00
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a betrayal of flesh
a fundamental wound
primordial error encoded
chromosome unduplicated
some days I could look in the mirror
and shatter my fucking face
but I take a breath
and wait for the hormones
to work at their own pace
my body, my whole life
shame, guilt, fear
you do what you have to to stay alive
and fucking persevere
I hated myself
and I wanted an exit
didn't care what it cost
didn't care who it hurt
all the love in my life
torn out and cast away
and nothing I tried for a single second
kept these feelings at bay
but it was not
for a lack
of trying
no one could touch me,
my body was wrong
unfairly lashed out at anyone who tried
and you deserved better
you who shared
a vulnerable intimacy
and you deserved better
than bearing witness
destructive self, in proximity
somedays, seems like
nothing satiates this skin hunger
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4. |
Anxious Heart
03:35
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and I want to hold you so close that you clip into my body
and I want to taste you deeply from the bottom of my throat
and you infiltrate my dreamscape, I awake alone and restless
you exhume me from my icy tomb and I begin to thaw
and I've been alone for so long (my anxious heart is screaming doom)
that I'm scared I don't deserve this (my anxious heart claims too much room)
I am falling in love with someone new (my anxious heart whispers untrue)
fear is fucking useless
I bared my fangs unto the world (my anxious heart of quiet lies)
and all you saw was softly smile (my anxious heart of self-despise)
I bear my heart into your hands (my anxious heart can't fucking die)
and see a future worth our plans (and makes it hurt to be alive)
all roads lead to this haunted place (my anxious heart won't let me sleep)
of lust and fear and angel's grace (my anxious heart sows bitter reap)
and neon-lit I see your face (my anxious heart of ceaseless screams)
smiling without bitter trace
softly, unsilently
entangle me in black and red, oh
(it says)
unworthy of love
you'll never be enough
you earned your failures of affection
your failures of connection
it whispers vicious lies
to internalize
and you cannot outrun it
this inevitable demise
it whispers lies, it whispers vicious lies
it says unworthy of love
undeserving of compassion
you deserved all the abuse
and what's the fucking use
you're never good enough
you're never smart enough
you're never kind enough
you're never pretty enough
my anxious heart,
it whispers wretched things
but none of them are true
none of them were ever true
not a single
solitary
fucking
word
no
----
goddamn it I want you
like I've never wanted
like discovering hunger
without knowing of food
hold me closer in your arms,
I won't get lost inside my head
we'll share a peaceful dreamless sleep,
just come with me to bed
entangle me in black and red
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5. |
||||
all your ghosts are rendered strangers
simulacra of unique pain and joy
all your ghosts outgrow you
and they grow up disappointing
you expected something better
they don't know you like they think they do,
but you don't know you like you think you do
now are you still the person
you always thought yourself to be?
I thought I'd be a dead man by now,
not a woman turning 30
there's always more surprises
they don't know you like they think they do,
but you don't know you like you think you do
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6. |
Feel Low
01:31
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languish
alone in your home
all the world aslumber
your silent catacomb
the solitude that served you
now somehow shaded cruel
yearning for something
burning for someone
it's too much to take, sometimes it's too much to take
it's too much to take, sometimes it's too much to take
and I am always burning
and I am always burning
and I am always burning
and I am always burning
when we feel low
like it's all we've ever known
but I'd rather burn together
than weather hell alone
I want solidarity
not codependency
I won't drag you down with me,
you are always free to leave
we're all hurt and nothing works
I want everyone to be okay
if we feel low together
maybe things get better
if just for a moment
a solitary moment
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7. |
Cold
04:02
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8. |
Interstitial
00:54
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(instrumental)
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9. |
Longing Thaws
06:46
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to push through the rage and pain and shame
and arrive at a place of grace
to look in the mirror after 28 years
and for the first time see your face
to suffer more because you've suffered before
in every time and place
to feel insufficient
to be fucking persistent
to know! - to know:
that you were always enough,
you were always more
you were always enough
always
the drunkard died alone in Austin, Texas
of isolation and secrecy
I watched the overdose from behind my eyes
doesn't feel like I was watching me
I was never who I thought I was
the unfeeling machine that I thought I should be
I was never who I thought I was
the unfeeling machine that I thought I should be
analog blood spills (from) a digital heart
my nameless discontinuity
I
want more
than this
endless
cycle
of
trauma
and
recovery
it feels like my whole life
I've always wanted wrong
my litany of failures
runs deep, blood-red, and long
I was a creature of darkness
I was born in the cold
self-destruction incarnate
frozen to my soul
but now the longing thaws me
I relinquish control
let my past self melt away, become something untold
I want more than this endless cycle of trauma and recovery
longing
thaws
I want to feel
every little thing
to let myself be human
embrace being human
to let myself be known
to not feel so alone
to embrace, open-hearted
kindness and compassion
to learn and to grow
to love with wild abandon
to maintain sober existence
to keep my heart persistent
and it might take my whole life
but I will build a life
where I feel safe in my skin
I'm so tired of self-destruction
self-harm
self-degradation
there has to be something more,
and I am going to find it
-----
there has been so much darkness in our lives
will you dance with me, if only for tonight?
it might not last forever
we don't have to feel good
but at least for a moment, we can feel understood
|
Woundlicker Reno, Nevada
a girl with a distortion pedal, following bad ideas to worse conclusions
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